Q: How do you make a million dollars in the stock market?
A: Start with $2 million!

“I hear you dropped some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?”
“Neither, just a plain simple ass.”

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: “Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?”
The guru replies: “I’m feeling rather hungry right now. You’d better cut it into eight pieces.”

Sources: various, saved over time