Humor, Stock Market

New Stock Market Terms

  • CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer
  • CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer
  • BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
  • BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex
  • VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower
  • P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
  • BROKER — What my broker has made me
  • STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell
  • STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock
  • STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves
  • FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected
  • MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks
  • CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
  • YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share
  • WINDOWS 2000 — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share
  • INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse
  • PROFIT — an archaic word no longer in use