ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Life is too short…
Up until recently, I was a devoted infographics consumer. At first sight of an illustration with colorful blocks and percentages inscribed in them, I’d jump in and savor every detail. I enjoy graphic art very much, so in a way it was like looking at art and learning something practical. I was sure that the infographics deepened and improved my understanding of life.
Lately though, a lot of it is just garbage, no other way of putting it. Useless noise. It’s possible that it’s always been that way, I’m just more sensitive to it now, having crammed as much as I can into my head. (I also realized that some IG’s left me more stressed and tired than I was before viewing them.)
There are many websites that cater to IG-heads but the most popular one is Visual.ly. Here’s a few of their latest submissions:
- The Economy of Coca-Cola (FYI, (KO: 45.49 +0.20%). Will you be better off if you know how many gallons of coke is consumed worldwide?)
- Benefits of Drinking Water (How about staying alive and leave it at that?? Do people need to be convinced to drink water?)
- The Expendables 2 (I got nothing for this one. Just dumb.)
- The ROI of Higher Education (Useless AND depressing. Jackpot!)
To be fair, most IG’s probably have a niche audience, but when they’re mixed all together, you’ll get sucked into inspecting all of them, no matter how inane.
The only infographic I don’t get tired of looking at is this one 🙂
Btw, the futures are positive so far… Have a good week.
This is some sick, sick shit.